40 Things I know to be True on my 40th Birthday

The top of the mountain is narrow, all the life is on the sides

I distinctly remember being a kid on my dad’s 40th birthday and thinking how old that is. Well, here I am. The good news is that it doesn’t feel so old. As people say, age is just a number. (My sense is the older you get, the more you like saying that, and the truer it becomes.)

Anyways, I put together some reflections and lessons I’ve learned so far. I am going to do my best to imperfectly hold myself to these over the next decade. Hopefully you find a few valuable as well.

1. The best way to stay sane in a batshit crazy world is to find the people and activities you love and give them your all.

2. People think you need to feel good to get going, but often it’s the opposite: you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good. This is especially important if you are in a tough season of life. Just. Get. Started. It’s how you give yourself a chance.

3. When you are facing doubt, fear, or insecurity, a good litmus test is to ask yourself: will making this decision shrink my life or enlarge it?

4. The worst way to be happy is by trying to be happy all the time. When I am deep into a book project, at week nine of a challenging twelve-week training cycle in the gym, or coaching my son’s basketball team, I wouldn’t say I am happy. Yet there are few things I’d rather be doing and few feelings I’d rather have. These pursuits give my life texture. What I am is fulfilled.

5. There are going to be periods of darkness. Nobody escapes life unscathed. Stay patient with yourself. Keep showing up. Don’t be scared to ask for help.

6. We live in a world characterized by persistent, fleeting distractions. Be sure to carve out space for things that are concrete and timeless: good books, good music, good art, good friends.

7. Doing the hard thing today usually makes tomorrow a bit easier—the workout, the difficult conversation, the outline you’ve been putting off. If you are able, just get it done. You’ll rest easier at night.

8. The person you marry is the most important decision you make. My wife is my editor, confidant, lover, parent of my children, and most importantly, my absolute best friend in the world. It doesn’t mean things are always easy, but my goodness, I can’t imagine life without her.

9. Don’t gamble away your self-worth in an existential casino—likes, shares, followers, comments; sometimes this stuff matters professionally, but it doesn’t mean shit for who you really are.

10. Life hardens and softens you at the same time. You need loads of self-discipline and loads of self-kindness. The latter makes the former sustainable.

11. Build an identity house that has more than one room. If you live in a house that only has one room—for example: athlete, parent, writer, or physician—and that one room floods, you have to move out of the house. But if you live in a house with multiple rooms, you can seek refuge in the others while you repair the damage. It’s important to have more than one room, because you never know when you’ll need to find strength and stability in the others.

12. It’s almost always better to be kind than clever.

13. You are not going to be the best anything with an attitude of nonchalance. It’s a cop-out, a way to avoid making yourself vulnerable to failure. But if you never give anything your all, then you sacrifice so much of what makes life worth living. Try hard and give a damn.

14. No feeling is final. In the moment it seems that way, but your brain plays tricks on you. Impermanence is a fact of life. Unfortunately, this is true for the good times. Fortunately, this is true for the bad times too.

15. Eat your fruits and vegetables. When you forget, simply begin again.

16. Competence is so important. It doesn’t matter what the thing is—basketball, guitar, watercolor, public speaking, writing, running—what matters is that you develop skill and strive for progress at something. Competence is good for your soul.

17. Think about jobs in terms of three factors: lifestyle, intellectual or physical stimulation, and money. Almost no job will give you all three, but a good job gives you two.

18. There is no such thing as an overnight breakthrough. We see the finished product but overlook the months, years, and at times decades of work that went into it. Don’t compare your first draft to someone else’s final draft.

19. Being a parent is the most exhausting joy that there is.

20. You cannot have it all, no matter how much you try. Anyone who tells you that you can have it all is lying. Life is about tradeoffs.

21. There is no better value than reading a good book, something that is becoming increasingly rare these days. Schedule time to read. Read on planes. Read on the beach. Read on trains. Be the counterculture.

22. Do not feel guilty about resting. If you are a driven, type-A pusher, sometimes going easy is harder than going hard. But if you never go easy, eventually you run yourself into the ground.

23. Consistency is more important than intensity. The little behaviors you do over and over compound to create something big. Be the person who shows up—at work, in community, in relationships. Become known for your consistency.

24. You are a product of your environment. So much of how you show up is contingent on what is around you. A good life requires creating micro-ecosystems that support your values amid a macro-ecosystem (junk food, junk content) that often works against them.

25. If you want to focus deeply, then you need to remove your phone. Not face down on the table. Not “silenced” in your pocket. But somewhere else altogether. During family dinners, the phone is on another floor. During blocks of writing or reading it’s in another room. This habit will do more for your quality of life than willpower ever will.

26. The things that work, work—until they get in the way. This is true for tools, trackers, and even mindsets and routines. Use it while it’s working, but don’t be scared to let go once it’s no longer serving you.

27. That you must suffer for greatness is a dangerous lie. Having fun is the best competitive advantage there is. Joy and intensity can coexist.

28. The secret is there is no secret. If anyone tells you they’ve got the secret, that’s a good sign to run in the opposite direction.

29. It’s important to stay abreast of what is happening in the world, but when you start treating news like entertainment or an action television show, consider directing your time and energy elsewhere.

30. People don’t think about you nearly as much as you think people think about you because they are too busy worrying about what people are thinking about them.

31. Depression hates a moving target. Just because you stay busy or exercise doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t experience depression, but it’s the best prevention there is.

32. Ten of the most underrated words: I don’t know enough to have an opinion on that.

33. There is no greater illusion than thinking the achievement of some goal will change your inner life. What will change your inner life is the person you become along the way. The top of the mountain is narrow. All the life is on the sides.

34. All big successes require at least some good luck, which, by definition, you cannot control. But you can increase your surface area for getting lucky. You do this by working hard and staying in the game.

35. Complicated routines are overrated. It’s better to have a few things you do each day, a few things you do each week, and a few things you do each month. Avoid majoring in the minors when what you should be doing is keeping the main things the main things.

36. Sleep when you are tired.

37. You are not the stuff inside your head. You are the awareness that decides what to do with the stuff inside your head. The ability to choose which thoughts to pursue and which to leave behind is key to everything. You don’t have to believe everything you think.

38. Doing hard things that align with your values is one of the most satisfying and underrated things. You gain discipline, self-respect, and self-confidence. You gain evidence that you can navigate discomfort. It’s highly fulfilling.

39. Stop trying to be perfect. It’s such a f*cking drain. That’s not permission to drop your standards altogether. It means being realistic. It means remembering you are a human, not a robot. It means being decent, giving what you’ve got, and showing up as best you can.

40. Do good work. Love good people. Don’t be an asshole.
That about sums it up.

Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this post and want to go deeper on my work, you’ll love my latest book.