8 Factors of Resilience

Based on the latest research, historical patterns, and my experience working with individuals through dark times.

I recently heard someone say that the inherent unpredictability and uncertainty of life can feel like “looking both ways before crossing the street, and then getting hit by an airplane.”

For better or worse, we often live under the illusion that things are stable when in fact they are always changing. We crave a straight line of increasing progress, happiness, and growth. And yet in reality, we are always riding the waves between stability and chaos.

Resilience is the capacity to bounce back when you get knocked down and to persevere during challenging times. It is a timeless quality, but also one that feels particularly timely. Below are eight principles that can help—all of which are supported by modern science, ancient wisdom, and daily practice.

Periods of disorder are an unavoidable part of even the most average human existence. Resisting them may feel good in the short-term, but it invariably leads to distress in the long-term. Magical thinking and delusion eventually catch up to all of us. Acceptance does not mean passive resignation. It means seeing reality for what it is. If you don’t confront what is actually happening, then you can’t work with it in a meaningful way.

Trying to control the uncontrollable is a waste of time and energy, and a surefire path to anxiety. There is a difference between worrying about a situation and doing something about it. Exerting agency, even if only in small doses, is key to health and hope.

When shit hits the fan, pause and gather yourself before acting. Rollo May said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

You can think about the 4P’s: pause, process, plan, and only then proceed.

Acknowledge that life will contain hardship and hurt, and do everything you can to move forward with a hopeful attitude anyway. You cannot be happy by trying to be happy all the time. Do what you can to hold space for the full range of human experience and emotion: happiness and sadness, hope and fear, loss and possibility—in the same day, and even in the same hour.

Research shows that this sort of emotional flexibility is associated with resilience. For example, a study of U.S. college students after Sept. 11 found that those who could hold on to hope at the same time as loss demonstrated greater resilience and fewer depressive symptoms in the tragedy’s aftermath. This finding is not about denial or delusion. Most of the study participants experienced negative emotions such as anger, fear and sadness. It’s just that the more resilient ones were able to hold on to positive emotions, too.

When it feels like the ground underneath you is shaking, having tried and true routines provides a source of stability: your daily walk, morning coffee, meditation practice, training in the gym, or evening reading. The substance of the routine is less important than the fact that you have one. What matters is having something you know will be there, that you can come back to again and again.

Move your body regularly. Sleep. Do what you can to eat nutritious foods. Not letting these basics fall behind (at least not for too long) supports underlying physiological and psychological strength. If you feel guilty or indulgent for doing these things, don’t. Daily habits serve as the foundation from which you can gain strength, show up, confront reality, and meet challenges.

During periods of disorder there can be an urge to shut down and isolate. Do what you can to resist this urge. Vulnerability builds trust and connection. Study after study shows that seeking social support is the number one factor of resilience.

It can be helpful to release from any sense of this has to be meaningful” or “I need to make the most out of this in favor of simply getting through. Sometimes things just suck, and that’s okay. Meaning and growth, if they are going to come, often arrive on their own timeline, and when we least expect it.

Research conducted at Harvard by psychologist Daniel Gilbert shows that we look back on challenging periods of disorder in a much more productive and meaningful light than we experience them. In other words, sometimes nothing makes sense until you get to the other side, and that’s okay. In those harrowing instances, all that matters is showing up. Sometimes that’s plenty and the real growth is learning to let it be enough.

Even—and perhaps especially—when it feels hard and overwhelming. Stay patient. It’s a nine-inning game. Continue if for no other reason than to stand still is not an option. Progress happens little by little, gradually and then suddenly.