This is so beautiful, and the same principle applies not only to confidence but also to self-respect.
The way we become a person we respect, love, and value is by proving to ourselves every day in mostly small but occasionally big ways that we are a person who deserves respect, love, and value.
It's standing up for yourself when you're being mistreated. It's voicing your concern in a meeting when you feel more comfortable staying quiet. It's choosing the healthier meal instead of the unhealthy one. All of these relatively small choices create the evidence that we are a person who deserves respect.
Anyways, great article—I'm looking forward to reading your book!
I don't disagree, but I do think there is some nuance. I think of Khabib's quote, "You have to think of yourself as the best fighter in the world. The first person who can believe in you is you. After that, it can be your coach, parents, etc”... he goes on to say that is the only way you can succeed, because the pressure and stakes are so high. He does also commonly reference humility as well, "Sometimes when people become... 'I'm this, I can do this. I'm smart because I'm strong.' God always going to make you humble."...which makes me think of balance, or probably closer paradox, holding both beliefs in your head to the max. I also think of Williams James' overbelief.
Good nuance. RE: humility, quoting from The Way of Excellence:
"In the same 1987 interview with Mavis Nicholson, Maya Angelou also explained, “I hope to be humble. Humility is from within. And that keeps you honest.”
Angelou’s magnetic presence owed itself to the combination of her confidence and humility. These qualities run together. When we have confidence, it means we’ve done the work to gain it. Doing the work to gain it is hard. And doing hard things makes us humble. It teaches us that we can push limits, but also that we have limits to begin with.
Humility doesn’t just lead to charisma. It is also leads to growth.
Once we think we know everything, we cease to keep knowing. Once we think we are the best, we cease to keep getting better. But there is always more to know, always room to improve. Knowledge and skill is continually evolving and advancing. If we want to evolve and advance with it, we must maintain an open mind. This is easier to do when we have confidence. Someone who is insecure perceives everything that challenges them or their views as a threat. Someone who is confident welcomes challenges, knowing at least some will make them better.
The more we know, the more we realize how little we know.
Those who speak softly, tread lightly, and embrace the words “it depends” tend to possess the most confidence. A bit of doubt, and perhaps even some impostor syndrome, is okay—it’s often a sign that we are exactly where we need to be.
Social scientists call this intellectual humility, which can be understood as owning your seat, and, at the same time, owning your limitations. It means not worrying about always being right or needing to exert power or control over others to feel good about oneself. Research shows intellectual humility is associated with enhanced self-awareness, curiosity, and discernment. It makes us better at whatever we do.
When you earn confidence, you also earn humility. You learn to own your seat while at the same time being open to growth and development. You inch toward the magnetic presence exuded by someone like Maya Angelou. It’s what people mean when they talk about being in the presence of greatness."
The William James quote: 'If you want another quality, act as if you already had it' comes up a lot. It seems that Brad unequivocally rejects this kind of thinking as it lacks evidence or substance.
The author of the last article I read which featured the quote was advocating for asking how an expert, or more competent person, would approach a task in order to get a 'bump' in performance and I have been trying to think how (if) Brad's and her views could co-exist. The only thing that came to mind was using 'fake it til you make it' as a boost to get going and then focus very intently on your successes, no matter how small, until they snowball into some serious evidence.
It's an interesting topic. I don't believe in manifestation but I assume it kind of gets you the same sub-conscious bump. I think probably it's a good motivator, but sooner or later you run into reality if you don't put in the work. I know James Clear of Atomic Habits advocates for the whole identity stuff. I don't know. Honestly my favorite is the negative visualization advocated in 'An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth', but even then, for all my logic and rationality, I fear if I focus too much on the negative I will 'manifest' it in my life.
As a Brit I'm afraid anything manifestation or manifestation-adjacent is an absolute no-no, its just not an idea that would fly here!
Its not a particularly rigorous metric but there seem to be so many (seemingly sensible) people suggesting a variation of the 'fake it til you make it' approach that i feel it must have a use somewhere albeit to a much smaller degree than many people suggest. Perhaps rationality is the keyword here: keeping your delusions to somewhat reasonable level (a notch or 2 above reality) might be the trick!
I actually like that quite a bit. Pushing your boundaries in small amounts. Small experiments over larger ones that are destined to fail. Another one I’ve liked is the WOOP method where you imagine this amazing future but then you have to be ultra-realistic about the barriers to that end state. Supposed to motivate you but also keep your feet on the ground. It also very much activates your emotions (which I think is an understated aspect of goal completion). Finally, you also have to plan what happens when you encounter those obstacles (if-then statements).
This is really interesting and fits with something I am doing for work
I am currently developing an AI Agent to assist as an expert on complex government guidance
In my framework for the agent I use client questions to generate a formal response
I then correct any errors or misinterpretation which the agent takes not as a failure but as an opportunity to learn and builds that correction into its skills base
AI agents don’t get embarrassed with getting it wrong they use it as a learning experience
Perfect timing on this post. I'm about to have a difficult call with an editor for a contract negotiation. Reading your post, I am reminded of why I have the experience and quality to stand up for myself. I am centered. Thank you.
This is so beautiful, and the same principle applies not only to confidence but also to self-respect.
The way we become a person we respect, love, and value is by proving to ourselves every day in mostly small but occasionally big ways that we are a person who deserves respect, love, and value.
It's standing up for yourself when you're being mistreated. It's voicing your concern in a meeting when you feel more comfortable staying quiet. It's choosing the healthier meal instead of the unhealthy one. All of these relatively small choices create the evidence that we are a person who deserves respect.
Anyways, great article—I'm looking forward to reading your book!
Well said, Jackson! It's the being <--> doing cycle. I hope you love the book! Lots more in there where this post came from!
I don't disagree, but I do think there is some nuance. I think of Khabib's quote, "You have to think of yourself as the best fighter in the world. The first person who can believe in you is you. After that, it can be your coach, parents, etc”... he goes on to say that is the only way you can succeed, because the pressure and stakes are so high. He does also commonly reference humility as well, "Sometimes when people become... 'I'm this, I can do this. I'm smart because I'm strong.' God always going to make you humble."...which makes me think of balance, or probably closer paradox, holding both beliefs in your head to the max. I also think of Williams James' overbelief.
Good nuance. RE: humility, quoting from The Way of Excellence:
"In the same 1987 interview with Mavis Nicholson, Maya Angelou also explained, “I hope to be humble. Humility is from within. And that keeps you honest.”
Angelou’s magnetic presence owed itself to the combination of her confidence and humility. These qualities run together. When we have confidence, it means we’ve done the work to gain it. Doing the work to gain it is hard. And doing hard things makes us humble. It teaches us that we can push limits, but also that we have limits to begin with.
Humility doesn’t just lead to charisma. It is also leads to growth.
Once we think we know everything, we cease to keep knowing. Once we think we are the best, we cease to keep getting better. But there is always more to know, always room to improve. Knowledge and skill is continually evolving and advancing. If we want to evolve and advance with it, we must maintain an open mind. This is easier to do when we have confidence. Someone who is insecure perceives everything that challenges them or their views as a threat. Someone who is confident welcomes challenges, knowing at least some will make them better.
The more we know, the more we realize how little we know.
Those who speak softly, tread lightly, and embrace the words “it depends” tend to possess the most confidence. A bit of doubt, and perhaps even some impostor syndrome, is okay—it’s often a sign that we are exactly where we need to be.
Social scientists call this intellectual humility, which can be understood as owning your seat, and, at the same time, owning your limitations. It means not worrying about always being right or needing to exert power or control over others to feel good about oneself. Research shows intellectual humility is associated with enhanced self-awareness, curiosity, and discernment. It makes us better at whatever we do.
When you earn confidence, you also earn humility. You learn to own your seat while at the same time being open to growth and development. You inch toward the magnetic presence exuded by someone like Maya Angelou. It’s what people mean when they talk about being in the presence of greatness."
The William James quote: 'If you want another quality, act as if you already had it' comes up a lot. It seems that Brad unequivocally rejects this kind of thinking as it lacks evidence or substance.
The author of the last article I read which featured the quote was advocating for asking how an expert, or more competent person, would approach a task in order to get a 'bump' in performance and I have been trying to think how (if) Brad's and her views could co-exist. The only thing that came to mind was using 'fake it til you make it' as a boost to get going and then focus very intently on your successes, no matter how small, until they snowball into some serious evidence.
It's an interesting topic. I don't believe in manifestation but I assume it kind of gets you the same sub-conscious bump. I think probably it's a good motivator, but sooner or later you run into reality if you don't put in the work. I know James Clear of Atomic Habits advocates for the whole identity stuff. I don't know. Honestly my favorite is the negative visualization advocated in 'An Astronauts Guide to Life on Earth', but even then, for all my logic and rationality, I fear if I focus too much on the negative I will 'manifest' it in my life.
As a Brit I'm afraid anything manifestation or manifestation-adjacent is an absolute no-no, its just not an idea that would fly here!
Its not a particularly rigorous metric but there seem to be so many (seemingly sensible) people suggesting a variation of the 'fake it til you make it' approach that i feel it must have a use somewhere albeit to a much smaller degree than many people suggest. Perhaps rationality is the keyword here: keeping your delusions to somewhat reasonable level (a notch or 2 above reality) might be the trick!
I actually like that quite a bit. Pushing your boundaries in small amounts. Small experiments over larger ones that are destined to fail. Another one I’ve liked is the WOOP method where you imagine this amazing future but then you have to be ultra-realistic about the barriers to that end state. Supposed to motivate you but also keep your feet on the ground. It also very much activates your emotions (which I think is an understated aspect of goal completion). Finally, you also have to plan what happens when you encounter those obstacles (if-then statements).
Amen, brother.
got you!
over and over and over and over!
the only way. simple not easy.
This is really interesting and fits with something I am doing for work
I am currently developing an AI Agent to assist as an expert on complex government guidance
In my framework for the agent I use client questions to generate a formal response
I then correct any errors or misinterpretation which the agent takes not as a failure but as an opportunity to learn and builds that correction into its skills base
AI agents don’t get embarrassed with getting it wrong they use it as a learning experience
Perfect timing on this post. I'm about to have a difficult call with an editor for a contract negotiation. Reading your post, I am reminded of why I have the experience and quality to stand up for myself. I am centered. Thank you.