What Depression Is—And Isn't

Dispelling harmful myths and shedding light on what actually helps

This past week, some guy with a massive platform posted a video to his 5 million followers in which he said:

“Depression is a gift from God. It’s warning you that you’ve got a bunch of potential and you’re not using it. That is why you’re depressed. You don’t need a drug, you don’t have a problem, you’re being sent a warning from God. Put down the meds, stop with the labels, get rid of the excuses, and get back to work.”

In the comments, he doubled down: “Depression always comes after bad people.”

Within three days, the post had over 35K likes and 10K shares.

I try to spend 99% of my time and energy building up good ideas and good people. And yet it’s unfortunate that some of the loudest voices spread some of the most harmful messages. We don’t have to respond to every one, but we can pick and choose our spots. And as someone who has experienced depression, I feel compelled to address the above.

Depression is absolutely terrible

Depression can feel like being on one side of a river when everyone else is on the other side. I used to be on the other side. I thought I knew what depression was and could look across the river and see it, but it wasn’t until I crossed for myself and experienced the worst of it that I had any real idea of just how debilitating it can be. It is a deep pain that affects your entire being. It is not sadness. It is not apathy. It is an entirely different universe.

Not fully grasping this is completely understandable. But telling someone in this state that it’s a gift and they just need to get back to work is unhelpful, dumb, and detached from reality. Telling someone in this state to put down the meds or that depression always comes after bad people is straight up dangerous.

When you are depressed, you are already filled with self-judgement and self-hatred. The last thing you need is more. Starting or stopping medication without the oversight of a doctor is reckless—full stop.

When he wrote that “depression always comes after bad people” my first thought was this guy is totally out of touch. My second thought: Abe Lincoln was severely depressed most of his life.

Depression affects all kinds of people. It has nothing to do with one’s character. If anything, some of the kindest, most wise, most humane, and most caring people are predisposed to depression precisely because of those qualities.

Just Toughen Up: And Why Men Die by Suicide at 4x the Rate of Women

The message of, “if you can’t toughen up, there’s something wrong with you” is a dangerous message to send to anyone, but perhaps especially men craving direction.

Men die by suicide at 4x the rate of women. The suicide rate of veterans is even higher.

One of the driving forces behind this is that men don’t seek help for their depression. Instead, they shove it down and do exactly what manosphere grifters advise: just get back to work. All the repression and faking it turns into pain which leads to cracks in the surface which eventually leads to a total break down. When you are experiencing depression the worst thing to do is try to white knuckle it alone.

On the topic of getting back to work: It is true that staying busy is one of the best ways to keep depression at bay. Depression hates a moving target. Researchers call it behavioral activation. I’ve written about it extensively. It says that you don’t always need to feel good to get going, sometimes you need to get going to give yourself a chance at feeling good.

Behavioral activation is a gold-standard treatment for depression. It works best as a preventative or to reverse mild to moderate cases. But it is not a panacea. It is a tool in the toolkit. It’s certainly not the only one. It generally works best in combination with therapy, social support, and/or medication. And it never works when couched in a shameful attitude of you are broken, you are doing this to yourself, you just need to get off your ass.

Depression Can Affect Anyone

Mental illness arises from a complex linking between one’s genes and environment, and the triggers underlying its onset are often hard, if not impossible, to pinpoint. Not to mention, the same personality traits and brain chemistry that underlie our greatest gifts—for example, the ability to think obsessively, feel deeply, and problem-solve relentlessly—can also give rise to our most awful curses.

I think I work pretty hard.

I’ve written five books.
I’ve got a beautiful wife and two wonderful kids.
I coach basketball and baseball.
I deadlift over 2.5 times my body weight.
I get my 10,000 steps most days.
I think I have decent character.

I’ve also been severely depressed. And it’s precisely why these outrageous messages hit me so hard. I’ve been there. I know how much it hurts. I also know that with the right tools and support, it can get better.

What Helps

A depressed person does not need to hear that they’ve been given a gift or that they need to toughen up. That’s some bullshit.

What they need to hear is that they are experiencing one of the most challenging and vexing parts of the human condition.

What they need to hear is: I will be there for you. It’s okay to ask for help. Do everything you can to stay patient and be kind to yourself. You would never feel guilty or blame yourself for having a condition that affects your body, like the flu. You should be equally kind with my mind. Even though it may feel like an impossibility now, if you can just hang in there—if you can just stay, if you can just hold on to the one percent of yourself that knows this isn’t all there is and ever will be—it really can get better.

Depression is serious. Depression is awful. Depression claims countless lives every day. Depression is not a character flaw. Depression is not your fault. You don’t just need to toughen up. You need to stay patient and get help. Talking to others who have had similar experiences can help. Therapy can help. Medication can help. You need love and support, even—and perhaps especially—when you feel like you are not deserving of it. You need to know you are not alone.

If you or someone you love is in mental distress and needs support right now, you can call 988 and speak to someone who can help.

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